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Great Jumping Cavalry Horses
I rode my Wonder Horse last month in the Cavalry Games in our first field jumping event together. We were magnificent. The competition was held at Fort Robinson, Nebraska (a province in Canada, I think). After entering the arena, we circled gently at a trot for a minute to help loosen up for the course. When I felt that Wonder Horse was ready we rolled out toward the first jump and transitioned smoothly to a steady canter hitting the jump perfectly. Landing lightly, still in the two-point stance we accelerated slightly to close the distance to the next jump, cleared it and lined up for the in-and out. Wonder Horse bounced over the two obtacles with ease, slowed his gait slightly to help me S-turn into the next offset jump...blah...blah...blah.
Well, that is how it was supposed to go. The reality was far uglier. Wonder Horse began jumping in the entry chute before we even entered the arena. The gate keeper climbed over the gate and pulled it open from inside the arena to protect himself. Yeah we circled a couple of times and rolled out on the first jump but Wonder Horse applied the brakes and tried to get me to go over it by myself. Fortunatley, my trousers snagged on the brass plate on the pommel shield or I would have plowed a deep furrow across the arena with my chin. After compelling him to go through the first jump and knocking down one of the cross bars we lined up on the second jump where the SOB ran out to the right hoping to duck out and return to the arena gate. Wrestling him around again we cleared the jump by about 300 vertical yards. I was so high up in the air I had to go on oxygen. I used my cell phone to call Houstin Space Center to request re-entry instructions. Slamming back down to earth both stirrups shot out off my boots like missiles. Wonder Horse, now thoroughly into the game, sped to the next obstacle while I was looking down trying to fish the stirrups with my toes. I finally got one back as this mentally disturbed animal launched himself over the next jump. Only massive cheek-clenching action kept me attached to the saddle as we sailed over the horizontal bar and crashed down on the other side. Gaining traction now, Wonder Horse exelerated to Mach 1 as I started reciting the Lord's Prayer. My next jump required a 180 degree turn so I started hauling on the right rein to bring him around. It was like steering the USS Enterprise. I think we may have crossed the state line and entered Wyoming briefly before lining up on the next jump. We knocked down everything we could see. Poles, standards, fence rails, spectators, and stray dogs went flying. We knocked down a building. The judges wept. Finally, mercifully, it was over.
I quickly looked down to see if maybe I had accidentaly mounted a rabid rhinocerous. My now, perfectly calm, Wonder Horse looked back at me with love and amusement in his eyes. Due to the requirement to apply a 1,000 pounds of pressure to the reins, my arms had been significantly lengthened and were dragging in the dirt. A broken jump pole was wresting in my lap. A picket fence was attached to Wonder Horse's left rear hoof. Smoke rose from my clothing. We did not win the event. We did set a new record for faults in a single jump course. Every object in the arena and several outside, including an ambulance, had been kocked down. The town mayor had been bitten. And apparently you can't yell, "mayday!" as you go over each jump. We finished in eighth place and would have finished lower in the standings but several of the other riders fled the area without competing.
And all I can think about is...when can I do it again?
Well, that is how it was supposed to go. The reality was far uglier. Wonder Horse began jumping in the entry chute before we even entered the arena. The gate keeper climbed over the gate and pulled it open from inside the arena to protect himself. Yeah we circled a couple of times and rolled out on the first jump but Wonder Horse applied the brakes and tried to get me to go over it by myself. Fortunatley, my trousers snagged on the brass plate on the pommel shield or I would have plowed a deep furrow across the arena with my chin. After compelling him to go through the first jump and knocking down one of the cross bars we lined up on the second jump where the SOB ran out to the right hoping to duck out and return to the arena gate. Wrestling him around again we cleared the jump by about 300 vertical yards. I was so high up in the air I had to go on oxygen. I used my cell phone to call Houstin Space Center to request re-entry instructions. Slamming back down to earth both stirrups shot out off my boots like missiles. Wonder Horse, now thoroughly into the game, sped to the next obstacle while I was looking down trying to fish the stirrups with my toes. I finally got one back as this mentally disturbed animal launched himself over the next jump. Only massive cheek-clenching action kept me attached to the saddle as we sailed over the horizontal bar and crashed down on the other side. Gaining traction now, Wonder Horse exelerated to Mach 1 as I started reciting the Lord's Prayer. My next jump required a 180 degree turn so I started hauling on the right rein to bring him around. It was like steering the USS Enterprise. I think we may have crossed the state line and entered Wyoming briefly before lining up on the next jump. We knocked down everything we could see. Poles, standards, fence rails, spectators, and stray dogs went flying. We knocked down a building. The judges wept. Finally, mercifully, it was over.
I quickly looked down to see if maybe I had accidentaly mounted a rabid rhinocerous. My now, perfectly calm, Wonder Horse looked back at me with love and amusement in his eyes. Due to the requirement to apply a 1,000 pounds of pressure to the reins, my arms had been significantly lengthened and were dragging in the dirt. A broken jump pole was wresting in my lap. A picket fence was attached to Wonder Horse's left rear hoof. Smoke rose from my clothing. We did not win the event. We did set a new record for faults in a single jump course. Every object in the arena and several outside, including an ambulance, had been kocked down. The town mayor had been bitten. And apparently you can't yell, "mayday!" as you go over each jump. We finished in eighth place and would have finished lower in the standings but several of the other riders fled the area without competing.
And all I can think about is...when can I do it again?
Views: 10
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Comment by George D Rodriguez on October 9, 2009 at 9:25am -
Its a toss up between you and Mundo. Given his snake stories and your horse. I'll leave it up to the group to decide. Both keep me rolling and loose my teeth. I guess I'll have to take Mundo up on his Christmas gift.
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Comment by Sharon Tally on October 9, 2009 at 9:51am -
I have tears running down my face! OMG this is a riot! Funniest thing I have read in a long long time!
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Comment by Christopher Zimmerman on October 9, 2009 at 6:25pm -
Sorry Mundo but what happens in Nebraska stays in Nebraska. However, here's a photo of me practicing with the Wonder Horse just to give you a sense of what he is like.
George, thanks for the comments but Mundo is my inspiration and you may note that I copied his style of story telling.
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Comment by George D Rodriguez on October 9, 2009 at 7:50pm
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I've noticed the style is the same but the story line is different. It still causes me to loose my teeth with laughter.
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Comment by Christopher Zimmerman on October 10, 2009 at 11:07am
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Wonder Horse isn't really his name. I just call him that because it is a wonder he hasn't killed me yet.
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Comment by Bonnie Crouchman on October 13, 2009 at 1:42pm -
That was to funny
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